I Decided

            "I Decided"

 I’m here. In this world. At this time. In this space. Masked faces and muzzled sounds. Woke up this morning as I usually do, thanks to “His” mercy and started on my way. The usual routine. My son greeted me with a body climb and some kisses. I looked over to see my eldest son snoring in his delightful sleep. He was still. I got up and walked into my living-room and sat at my desk, preparing to prepare for whatever would ensue.

 A little disgruntlement began to meet my mind. I don’t remember what triggered my decline, but I was spiraling down and FAST! Not particularly thinking about anything to begin with, but one thing leads to another when it come to my mental train wrecks. I was headed for a fast decline in my souls mind so I decided, I’m heading out today. Resolve. Made up Mind. Questions cease. I decided.

 Anxiety began to plague me as the thoughts of going out into the world invaded my mind. Silly huh? 37 and afraid to go outside…? I don’t think its so much that I was afraid to go outside, but I’m so used to “being” for everyone else you know? 

 Existing to serve, give and expel myself every single day. This is an honor and a privilege, but at times, a heavy load in all honesty. Existing to bring about request, desires, lust, love and everything in between as much as I can bear in my human ability. And when that ability wanes, which it always does, I pull from an infinite source that enables me to continue, Again.

 So used to not being alone. Walking alone, talking alone. Hearing only the sounds of my heart, and her silence, startled me, just a bit. I had to release that to my Friend, immediately, and he reassured me that I was “okay”. There was nothing to fear. I already knew what I wanted to do. For a while now I had been wanting to walk across the Green Island bridge, so I did! What a pleasure it was. 

 The Sun itself made me feel so alive. And yes, I said feel. A curse word to some, but a sign of life to others. Walking and talking, I acknowledged my reason. I acknowledged the fact that He was there with me. He is here with me even now. I thanked Him for life, the ability to walk and all the others that sometimes are taken for granted. 

 “Hello Queen”, she said, as we passed each other on the Bridge. She was going and I was coming, depending on how you see it. My eyes swelled and I knew, in that moment, that I was seen. I was being reminded and addressed as I actually am and not how I or anybody else perceives me. 

 Then there was this sound. Music to my ears, literally! I could hear music being played as I drew near the end of my walk across the Bridge. I decided, yet again, that I was going there; to the Sound of Music. 

 The sound was familiar and I knew it was release time. Time to “give it to God” as Jillian Michael says. And give it to God I did. In tears, in sways, sounds and free expression. I gave myself to God. To my Friend. To my Lover. I gave myself, which isn’t much. I gave my burdens and he gave me his; which are light and easy. I gave him all the ugly that I felt and have gone through and go through and he gave me Beauty.

I felt Beautiful. I felt Full. And I Am. He Is. And It’s All Good. 

As you “decide” today, listen with your soul and the honesty that it speaks. Whatever you hear, share it with the Truth who is always there, listening and waiting for you to Decide.

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